Dos and Don'ts of Heavy Drinking

Allow me to walk you through my last night's evening as a series of what to do, and now not to do, when engaging in what we in the industry like to call "getting really really drunk".

DO: Think of something fun to do while drinking. While, yes, it is incredibly entertaining to sit on your couch and drink until pass-out while watching whatever shit Fox thinks you should watch (I don't have cable), sometimes it's also fun to actually go out and experience something while hammered. Last night was the Art Brut/Hold Steady show.

DO: Get a designated driver. A good choice is your girlfriend's co-worker, Chris. Thanks, Chris!

DO: Buy drinks for your friends. It's just nice.

DON'T: Buy way too many drinks for your friends. Your tab will end up being over $100, and that's just not necessary.

DON'T: Think it's a good idea to order a beer and a mixed drink at the same time, and then chug the beer and sip the mixed drink. It probably should go the other way around, even if you do really impress the bartender with your retardedness.

DO: Congratulate the band on a great show, if you happen to see one of the members after the set.

DON'T: Buy a shot of Jaeger for you and who you assume is the drummer for Art Brut after many, many drinks. Though it probably is the drummer from Art Brut, you've had enough to drink, mister.

DO: Enjoy the ocean view after the show, if the venue is right on the beach. It's a nice way to relax after some rock and roll.

DON'T: Decide to actually go in the ocean, fully clothed, at midnight for no particular reason. The water is cold and you're an idiot for thinking that's a good idea.

DO: Give your wallet and electronic devices to someone smart enough not to go into the water so they are not ruined.

DON'T: Leave your wallet and electronic devices with said smart person after he drops you off at your apartment. You probably were going to need those things the next day.

DO: Thank your driver again. He was very nice to stay sober and drive your ridiculous ass around.

DON'T: Keep trying to insist that the driver sleep over at your place. He's not drunk and can drive home just fine. Besides, that's really really awkward.

DON'T: Try to have sex with your girlfriend if you've had over half a bottle of wine, slammed three beers, and had somewhere in the vicinity of a half dozen hard drinks. It's just not gonna work that well.

Hopefully this gives you some guidelines to work with. Basically, have fun, be safe out there, and don't do what I like to call "be a complete dipshit". As you can see, I followed most of those rules last night. Most.