David Bowie = Awesome

I was just watching on the internets here this classic clip of Bing Crosby singing "Little Drummer Boy" with David Bowie. It's Christmas time and all, and though I don't go in for Holiday Gatherings and Celebrating, I do go in for David Bowieing. Watch that clip I linked to, and try and think of anyone else from his (or any more recent) generation that might look as at ease as Bowie does, being forced to give canned lines and pretend to break out in song with an old crooner way past his prime.

This, of course, is the same Bowie that made Zoolander twenty times better than it already was. This is the same Bowie that we'll go to the mat for when someone says "China Girl" isn't actually that good, even though we know it's true. This is the David Bowie that is one of two people, along with Eddie Izzard, that can cross-dress yet not make that the thing - the talent actually eclipses the weird.

I used to have a list of the three most awesome people in the world. It went David Bowie, Snoop Dogg, and #3 was TBD. But last week, apropos of another conversation, I promoted David Bowie to his own class. David Bowie is awesome. Not "is awesome" in the way that soup "is hot" or a frog "is green"; Bowie actually instantiates awesomeness. Go ahead. Name me someone cooler. I didn't think so.

As this is the Christmas season, I do have one wish. I wish Bowie had died for my sins instead. I'd much rather pray to him.

(Insert your own blood/body of Bowie joke here.)

Dear American Express

To Whom it May Concern,

I was looking over my billing statement, and in the fine print, you tell me that if I am unhappy with a purchase made, and have tried "in good faith" to rectify the problem, you can take it off my bill. Well, it just so happens that I made a purchase in the last billing cycle that I am very dissatisfied with, and I would like it to be taken off my statement.

I am kindly requesting that you remove the $50 contribution I made to Dennis Kucinich's campaign.

I have seen nothing result from my purchase. The war in Iraq has not ended. Congress has not dislodged its head from its ass long enough to pass a FISA bill. New housing starts are down 3.7% last month. Mike Huckabee still exists. Hell, my house is still dirty and my wang isn't any longer. And my $50 seems not to have changed any of this.

Now, you may quibble with whether or not I have, "in good faith," tried to rectify the problem. To my mind, the contribution itself was supposed to rectify the problem. It has not. Kucinich is no closer to the White House than he was prior to my purchase of $50 worth of campaign units. So, I suppose you, good people at Amex, have a choice. Either ensure me a Kucinich victory, or please refund my $50. Or, at least, stop Dick Cheney from being.

All the best,
[redacted]

The Mitchell Report, aka Hal Morris? Really?

So the Mitchell Report, in which we have been given the names of many different baseball players who took performance enhancing substances (to use the euphemism for "steroids"), came out today. I won't say too much, because ESPN is doing, like, ninety consecutive hours on the issue, but a couple thoughts.

1. During the press conference, Senator Mitchell pretty much said, "This is the list. Please ignore it and go about your business." Now, I understand why it's hard to penalize these people, and let those that were just better at cheating off the hook, but really? Just, here's the report, please don't go and do anything about it? Good work.

2. Larry Bagbie actually wrote, in the memo field of a check used to pay for steroids, "Supplements". Not really a great way to cover your tracks there, Bags. Maybe a little more discreet next time, eh? Even if you're way into it, your check memo should never read, "Hookers and blow".

3. F.P. Santangelo was on the list? Adam Piatt? Jesus, think of how bad they would have been without steroids. It boggles the mind.

We get it, Russia. You're fucking nuts.

I've mentioned a few times how this (American) administration loves to give its populace "Are you fucking kidding me?" moments every so often (okay, every very often), in which the only reasonable response to what they've done is say, you guessed it, "Are you fucking kidding me?" It's down to a science, almost, and I have to admit I was afraid that, geopolitically speaking, we were the best (worst?) at this "Gotcha again!" mentality.

But then I remembered Russia exists. Now, to be fair, Russia's had it's share of problems throughout the last century. And my fair share of problems. And your fair share of problems. And Canada's fair share of problems. And all of Oceania. Basically, the history of 20th Century Russia went a little like this (I'm paraphrasing from my 20th Century Russian History class I took in college): Famine, Civil War, famine, World War, famine, World War, Stalin/famine/gulags/Great Purges, economic collapse, famine, Perestroika, economic collapse. They're not really building on a tremendous track record.

So they elect Putin a few years back, and it appears that the Russians have managed to get past Yeltsin, and elect someone who might actually have his shit together enough to run a country. Except they didn't count on the crazy. Putin's, you know, totalitarianist tendency to not want to abdicate once his second (and final) term as President expires next year. But the Russians, and the global community, are having none of this "Fuck the constitution" mentality Putin seems to champion. Ironic the United States is against that. But I digress.

So what does Putin do? If you've been reading the news, you see he held elections last week (I think) that his party swept. Surprisingly, there have been claims of Russia's favorite "F" word, fraud. Not the point. Two days ago, Putin said, "Okay, well, if I can't be president again next year, and I can't keel moose and squirrel, I want this guy you've never heard of to be president." This guy we've never heard of, Dmitri Medvedev, aside from being one M or V away from being a palindrome, has almost no record of high-level service. It kinda seems like, I dunno, Putin is telling Russia to elect someone that he could have total control over. But would he really be so brazen as to do something that obvious?

The New York Times, a publication that most certainly believes that abortion should not only be legal, but mandatory, printed the story today that, OMG, Medvedev thinks that maybe when he's president, would it be all right if Putin comes over and is Prime Minister? One day after someone Russians haven't even heard of is recommended as the next president by the current one, said potential successor mentions casually, "Oh, and the guy that wants me in might, you know, stay in power." There's even the possibility Medvedev could step down, and Putin could regain the presidency.

You know, for a country that's criticized for lack of transparency in governmental operations, this one's pretty obvious. Well played, Russia. Well played.

Do The Grammys not have iTunes?

The 50th Grammy Awards nominations were announced today. And, my God, the people that decide what's the best in the world for the entire year must really splurge on the Down's Syndrome. It seems that they've officially taken the stance that "I heard that song on the radio a few months back and it wasn't any good but I guess it was all right" is good enough to get a nod.

Before we go any further: Full disclosure of what I own that was nominated. Six things. Five albums and one DVD. The albums are Arcade Fire, LCD Soundsystem, Tom Waits, Kanye West, and Lupe Fiasco. The DVD is R. Kelly's second installment of Trapped in the Closet. I own the first half, too. I am not ashamed of this. They are the best unintentional comedies since, well, ever. But if you think that list I presented is crap, then you might not like what I have to say about the grammy nominations.

Kanye West led the pack with something like eight nominations. People seemed to ignore that most the album is pretty okay, but not like the first two. So there, like with mutherfucking Bon Jovi's nomination, we're going with, "Well, you did some cool shit once." Minus any cool shit for Bon Jovi. Amy Winehouse has a shitload of nominations. I don't care about her personal life, but simply writing about drug abuse is no cause for a Grammy. Why doesn't John Darnielle, then, have twelve shelves full of the awards for The Mountain Goats? Talking about doing lines over Norah Jones music doesn't qualify as awesome.

The list goes on with the usual suspects. Paul McCartney? Yeah, the Beatles were pretty good. Foo Fighters? Remember when that album with "Monkey Wrench" came out? Let's KEEP nominating them!

But why am I bitching so much? Why am I surprised. This is the group of people that told us Steely Goddamn Dan's Two Against Nature was better than Kid A. I guess I should be more worried if I start to agree with the nominations.

Except for the best songwriting nod to "Hey There Delilah." It's like he's singing only for me! Sigh.

We don't believe you, Iran

So now, today, the president is telling Iran they MUST come clean concerning their nuclear programs and ambitions.

Ummm...didn't our own NIE do that? Like, just yesterday? Welp, see ya later!

Can I has my Iran boom plz?

Good news! I mentioned yesterday that the NIE (National Intelligence Estimate) said that maybe Iran isn't quite so deadly and maybe they're not plotting to rape you in your sleep tonight. Bush? He stills worries for your cherry. The New York Times, well-known for it's desire to see Jesus re-crucified, has Bush saying this:

"[T]he N.I.E. doesn’t do anything to change my opinion about the danger Iran poses to the world — quite the contrary.”

And from the tea-sniffers at the BBC (notice the addition of the word "me" to the word "program". Fucking selfish wrong-side-driving-lift-riding fops.):

"I view this report as a warning signal that they had the programme, they halted the programme," Mr Bush told a news conference. "The reason why it's a warning signal is they could restart it."

So. Let's see. The report that Iran isn't very dangerous makes Bush think Iran is more dangerous. The fact that Iran stopped its attempt to make nuclear weapons is a warning that they are trying to make nuclear weapons.

This administration, I truly believe, isn't going to quit until it has every American saying every day, at least once, "Are you fucking kidding me?" Or until our collective heads explode simultaneously when we are unable to comprehend what the administration just did. Hopefully, we'll all be vacationing in Tehran when that happens. Take that, Islam!

Whoopsy!

Iran with the nuclear weapons? Not so much. Sorry...no hard feelings? BFF Iran? Kthxbye!

Where have all the good racists gone?

Well, Trent Lott up and resigned. I haven't actually read any coverage of said resignation, but I'm sure his speech went something like, "I have decided to leave the Senate to concentrate all my efforts on hanging me some more negros." And like that (or, over the course of a few years), the gang of 100 has lost Strom Thurmond, George Allen, Rick Santorum, and Trent Lott. All dedicated, strong-willed racists. Thurmond obviously wins in the group; he ran for president in 1948 (!) on a segregationist platform, filibustered to stop a civil rights law vote, and had a mulatto child out of wedlock. George Allen lost his incumbency after referring to an indian man as "macaca", loves him some n-word, and became irate when "accused" of being Jewish, only to announce the next day his mother was, in fact, Jewish. Trent Lott said, in public, that the country would have been much better off if Thurmond has won the presidency because of what "they" had done to society, "they" being the darkies. And Rick Santorum? Well, he's just a huge, huge douchebag. And, to be honest, not really out-and-out a racist as much as a major gay-basher that dabbles in minority-hating on the side.

So where does that leave us, the American People? Where can we find us some good, old-fashioned, black hating? I'm pretty sure David Duke is dead or in prison or already in office in the South, and even though South Carolina would vote him back in, I'm almost positive the law does not allow for Strom Thurmond to be re-elected. So, that leaves us with a very big void.

Though, if I had to guess, I'd bet Joe Leiberman HATES black people.

Dos and Don'ts of Heavy Drinking

Allow me to walk you through my last night's evening as a series of what to do, and now not to do, when engaging in what we in the industry like to call "getting really really drunk".

DO: Think of something fun to do while drinking. While, yes, it is incredibly entertaining to sit on your couch and drink until pass-out while watching whatever shit Fox thinks you should watch (I don't have cable), sometimes it's also fun to actually go out and experience something while hammered. Last night was the Art Brut/Hold Steady show.

DO: Get a designated driver. A good choice is your girlfriend's co-worker, Chris. Thanks, Chris!

DO: Buy drinks for your friends. It's just nice.

DON'T: Buy way too many drinks for your friends. Your tab will end up being over $100, and that's just not necessary.

DON'T: Think it's a good idea to order a beer and a mixed drink at the same time, and then chug the beer and sip the mixed drink. It probably should go the other way around, even if you do really impress the bartender with your retardedness.

DO: Congratulate the band on a great show, if you happen to see one of the members after the set.

DON'T: Buy a shot of Jaeger for you and who you assume is the drummer for Art Brut after many, many drinks. Though it probably is the drummer from Art Brut, you've had enough to drink, mister.

DO: Enjoy the ocean view after the show, if the venue is right on the beach. It's a nice way to relax after some rock and roll.

DON'T: Decide to actually go in the ocean, fully clothed, at midnight for no particular reason. The water is cold and you're an idiot for thinking that's a good idea.

DO: Give your wallet and electronic devices to someone smart enough not to go into the water so they are not ruined.

DON'T: Leave your wallet and electronic devices with said smart person after he drops you off at your apartment. You probably were going to need those things the next day.

DO: Thank your driver again. He was very nice to stay sober and drive your ridiculous ass around.

DON'T: Keep trying to insist that the driver sleep over at your place. He's not drunk and can drive home just fine. Besides, that's really really awkward.

DON'T: Try to have sex with your girlfriend if you've had over half a bottle of wine, slammed three beers, and had somewhere in the vicinity of a half dozen hard drinks. It's just not gonna work that well.

Hopefully this gives you some guidelines to work with. Basically, have fun, be safe out there, and don't do what I like to call "be a complete dipshit". As you can see, I followed most of those rules last night. Most.

Don't You Evah

I would be hard-pressed to find someone that couldn't find something to like about the band Spoon. There's something instantly familiar about every song in their catalogue - the first time I hear a new Spoon song, half of me is amazed at how great it is, and the other half is convinced I heard that song on an AM radio twelve years ago in a dark car on Interstate 5. The music is both incredibly fresh, and somehow atemporal. There's something to be said for a band that can release four individual, cohesive albums in a row without succumbing to the tricks that made the record prior successful, yet maintain a signature "sound", for lack of a better word, throughout its variations.

The other side of this dichotomy, however, is that for no actual reason I always assumed Britt Daniel, the lead singer, is a major asshole. I have, it should be noted, absolutely no basis for this mindset. Up until very recently - around the time Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga was released - I had not read anything slightly incendiary about him, nor had I heard, read, or seen an interview with him or anyone else that would lead me to think he's a dick. In fact, seeing Spoon live in the Fall of 2005, not only was Daniel not an asshole, he seemed pretty normal on stage. Minimal banter, and all positive. I suppose I just thought he looked too cool, and sang with too much attitude, or some other reason that sounds like a 70-year old grandmother saying, "I don't like the way the kids these days move their hips when they walk!" Maybe I heard there was a lot of band turnover (which I'm not even sure is true), and immediately got this Tweedy vibe of him being a control freak and driving people insane. Regardless, the ultimate feeling I've had is that I dig the band, but not the dude.

I read an interview at the Onion AV Club a while back with Daniel, who had this to say (among other things):

I think we're one of the best bands making records today, and do I think we should be selling more records than Maroon 5? Yeah, because I think we're better.

This statement, simple as it is, turned out to be the Rosetta Stone for unraveling my ambivalence. Spoon is, plainly said, an incredible band, and for some reason I was faulting Daniel for knowing that. Though I had never heard him discuss his music, he maintains an air of, "Yeah, this is really fucking good, innit?" And, goddammit, it is. His attitude is that of someone that knows what is going on is great, and more importantly, fun, and wants other people to share that. Instead of him holding the music and his band over his audience, he's inviting us to get in on it with him. And, let's be honest. If you don't think you're making great music, you probably shouldn't really be in the game anyway. It just so happens Daniel thinks that, and can actually back it up with his records.

Or, maybe I'm just saying that so I can sleep better at night when I drift off thinking about Finer Feelings. Which I do. Seriously. Best song ever.

Bill Belichick hates you and beats your mother

I am not from Boston. Nor was I raised to be a fan of any sport other than baseball. That being said, I always liked the Red Sox because they weren't the Yankees and they had a big wall in left field. The Celtics and Patriots, I couldn't have cared less about. I'm unsure whether or not the Bruins are even still a hockey team. When I got accepted to school in Boston, I was asked multiple times, "Oh, are you going to become a big Red Sox fan now?" I said no; I was unaware one could switch allegiances simply because one was going to go to school in a new city. I was born and raised an A's fan, and I wasn't going to turn my back on Lance Blankenship now. It SEEMS that many of the kids I met in college didn't follow that rule. All of a sudden, people from Maryland and California were lifelong Sox fans, living and dying by Vinatieri's field goals, and storming Fenway when the Sox took game seven from the Yankees in 2004. I, however, came and went the same way: like the Sox, know Larry Bird was on the Celtics, know Tom Brady's way sexy.

This year, that's all changed. I am absolutely loving the Patriots' dominance over the entire league. I'm not going to try to wax intellectual about this too much, because ESPN can do it with better insight, and deadspin can do it funnier, but the simple fact of the matter is that the Patriots hate everyone, and to me, that's tremendous. That they're so unapologetic, and so insistent on everyone getting pissed at them is the best story in the NFL. Bill Simmons, a few weeks back, talked about the eff-you touchdown the Pats have been tacking on to all the games recently. Those extra points that just aren't needed, but 52-6 is obviously much better than 45-6, and Brady's gotta stay in just in case. Up until yesterday, playing the Colts, the Pats had beat the spread every single game this year. The only people outside of New England that actually wanted the Pats to win at this point in the season were gamblers, knowing to bet on a sure thing.

And then came yesterday. Spread's 5.5, Patriots up by 4, and can kick a field goal with about 1:12 left to add the eff-you score. But instead, Belichick takes a knee four times. Why? Why not really drive it home to the team that stole the trip to the Super Bowl last year? Simple. This was Belichick's FUCK YOU to the only people that were still rooting for the Patriots - the gamblers. There's a very real possibility that he's such an asshole, Belichick actually thought it'd be more worthwhile to say fuck off to the few people left on his side than to the team he was beating. And there's a special place reserved for people as dick as that. It's called Awesometown, and Belichick just elected himself mayor.

And just like that, I have turned into THAT Boston sports fan. Just wait until I can't stop talking about KG and Pierce together.

Joe Torre + Dodgers = Who Give a Shit?

If you go here, you will see an article on espn.com (THE sports leader!) lamenting the fact that while the news that Joe Torre is leaving the Evil Empire is HUGE, the news that he's replacing Grady Little's sorry ass in Los Angeles (the real Los Angeles - Chavez Ravine. Not this "The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim" bullshit. Which, if you actually do the translation on, does, in fact, read "The The Angels Angels of Anaheim. Assholes) is barely making a plop out here on the Left Coast.

Let me tell you why. Yes, sure, out here in Southern California we're all too busy making sex tapes and then aborting the fetuses created in said sex tapes, and having dinner with famous people and then surfing, but there's more to it than that. First off, we don't get our sensationalism out of the world of sports. Unless the sports figure is caught railing some crazy 20-year old in Colorado, or murdering an ex-wife and a waiter. Because we have Hollywood right here (NIMBY!), we don't need ornery 60-year old baseball managers on our front pages (looking in your direction, Post).

But, more important than that, and I say this as a moderate Dodgers fan, is that no one cares if Joe Torre is coming to the Dodgers because no one cares what happens to the Dodgers. The Dodgers, yes, used to be cool. They had Tommy Lasorda. They had multiple rookies of the year in a row. They even had Kirk Gibson. Now, all the Dodgers have is the almost-preternatural ability to rise to first place in the NL West for one day in July, and then slowly start the decline into third place by the end of the season (or, like this year, fourth). Not even the fact that Jeff Kent is the coolest mutherfucker ever can make up for the apathy the Dodgers have forced on their fans. But, for the record, Jeff Kent is definitely the coolest mutherfucker ever.

So there you have it. No one cares because it won't matter. The only thing the Dodgers aren't mediocre at is mediocrity, at which they excel. No fancy-pants New York manager is gonna change that.

FUN FACT TO TIE THIS WHOLE THING TOGETHER: You know who was hired as the baseball trainer for Bull Durham, the tremendous Hollywood film about baseball? Grady Little. Boo-yah fuckers. That's called dove-tailing.

Ahoy ahoy

So. Blogging and all that. Wave of the future and whatnot. Rad.

I took my url, keepwalkingblue, from one of my favorite drinks, Johnnie Walker Blue Label (don't go thinking I'm too elitist - I'll drink fucking Pine-Sol if the proof is high enough). Though, I suppose if I were authentic, it would be one of my favourite drinks. Luckily, I'm not a filthy, filthy Brit. Along with Scotch, I quite enjoy music, politics, other forms of fermentation, sleep, and other unrelated things. This post comes from one of those specifically aforementioned realms; namely, politics.

If you didn't know, our Fearless Leader in Pottsylvania has nominated a certain Judge Mukasey to replace former Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez (A.G.A.G. to his posse), and Mukasey's nomination has stalled due to his refusal to definitively say whether or not waterboarding, a method where we (America - fuck yeah!) torture people, is torture. Read from the esteemed pinko hack zine the New York Times:

Mr. Mukasey, 66, a retired federal judge from New York, referred to the criminal liability issue several times in nearly 180 pages of written answers delivered to the Senate on Tuesday. He said that while he personally found waterboarding and similar interrogation methods “repugnant,” he could not call them illegal. One reason, he said, was to avoid any implication that intelligence officers and their bosses had broken the law.

So. There we have it. The nominee for the top law enforcement position in the land refuses to aver a position as to whether or not something might be illegal because it might be illegal. Tremendous. This, I believe, only further provides evidence to my theory that this entire administration is based solely on making people say, "Are you fucking serious?" as many times as possible. Sure, sure, it started with going to war under false pretenses, and shooting hunting buddies in the face, and so forth and so on same old song and dance, but it's gotten to the point where Cheney will actually say, "Oh, no, the Veep office isn't part of the executive branch!" He's got to have balls bigger than EPCOT, man.

It's almost - almost- impressive how much bullshit is flung at the wall by these guys. Even more impressive is how much it sticks. To paraphrase David Byrne: We all say we want the truth. What we really want is better fiction.