Oh, the Democrats are awful at politics!

I mentioned in my last little post there that the Democrats (I'm putting the "d" in caps because the fourth member of the Axis of Evil, the New York Times, does it) have probably found a way to lose the presidential election. That, of course, assumes it was theirs to lose. Which it very, very, very much was. House and Senate swung that way (and you know how the Democrats love to swing that way!) last time around, and I don't know if you've been paying attention, but it turns out a shitload of people aren't too thrilled about the war-lies-death whatnot. It was pretty much at the point where the Democrats could have run a Nazi eggplant and it would have beaten any Republican candidate (I didn't check if the New York Times put the "r" in caps; I assume not, because I'm pretty sure that newspaper is printed with ink made from the blood of the Vietnamese that were killed after we cut and ran).

And then Hillary Clinton started winning primaries. Now, a few things on that, first. I like Hillary Clinton. I have no problem with her, mostly because she seems intelligent and, you know, is a Democrat. So I'm not someone who is saying ANYONE BUT. Turns out I didn't even get to vote for my guy. I so wish we could have a President Kucinich. We could probably annex Narnia if that happened.

Also, two of Hillary's primary wins, Michigan and Florida, don't even have delegates. They don't count. But people are sheep (no offense, people), and will vote for whomever everyone else is voting for because, hell, they seem to be doing okay for themselves. So even though they literally mean nothing to the nomination, (very) convincing wins in Michigan and Florida can snowball into more victories on Super-Duper-Tuesday. I almost called it Super-Duper-Pooper-Scooper Tuesday, but then I realized I didn't write Meet the Spartans.

And so we've come down to this: Mittens and John and Hillary and Barry. And, to some extent, the Other John, but he's a populist, and there hasn't been one of those popular since Frank Baum wrote Wizard of Oz and no one realized it was propaganda anyway. It turns out, with Barry's rhetorical style (rhetorical like, way of speaking, and not "Why do you make me hurt you?"), he can beat any Republican that is running right now. He can elevate, he can get those Independents and retards that don't write in Ron Paul after Paul concedes and returns back to the moon of Endor where he belongs. Hillary can beat Mittens, because he's a retard, and if God actually blesses the Huckabee campaign with the nomination as He should because Huckabee hates the gays, Hillary can beat him (and Him), too.

But Hillary can't beat McCain. She's running on "experience" (total bullshit, FYI), and he's like 112 years old and has been in the Senate since before Henry Clay. She's running on Washington know-how, he's sponsored EVERY bill you've liked, EVER. She's running on It's Tough To Be In a Campaign Day In And Day Out, he's running on I Was Gang-Raped In The Hanoi Hilton. McCain wins every time.

And then we're in Iraq until Huckabee's God gives the earth back to Israel. Good work America. Because McCain hates hates hates the ay-rahbs, you've made certain for another 9/11, and then Rudy can try and be president again. This is your fault.

UPDATE: The Other John is dropping out because no one likes him, and is immediately returning to the mill whence he came. You do know he invented mills, right?

Still alive, promise

HOLY shit a lot has happened since I wrote last, in many of the fields I purport to care about. We know who's going to be in the Super Bowl (the wrong Manning and the hot Brady (he is hot, right ladies? Or am I not good at judging the attractiveness of my own gender (also, Harry Connick, Jr. is dee are ee ay em why))), we have had all sorts of primaries (we've figured out how the Democrats will lose the election - run Hillary against McCain, and we will be in the Middle East until half past forever), I've bought all sorts of music (the new(ish) Panda Bear album is so so good...it's like Brian Wilson on crack), and I've been drunk all sorts of times (the fact that you can get a handle of vodka at any grocery store for only ten bucks still is one of God's little miracles). Also, I've slept a lot. Though not last night, which is another story for another day for another blog (such a gross word) that deals with relationships falling apart. So onward.

I've not been writing because my work, my tie-wearing, desk-sitting, Excel-using, multi phoneline-having work, has reached the level of Utter Ridiculousness. That point where you're working so hard, for so many hours, for something so useless, and for so little money, you kinda wonder why you're still there, and then you remember rent's due by the fourth.

But when one of the directors of the company questions why you keep coming in every day, maybe you ought to jump ship.

(Every "you" in that last little rant was actually "me." I don't know where you work. Or who any of the directors are. Or their thoughts on your position. I'm not that presumptuous.)

In other news, hey, have you tried that mozzarella they're selling at that Costco near my office yet? Fucking delicious. I suggest it with tomatoes, basil, finely ground salt, coarse pepper, and olive oil. Yes, I know that's just a caprese salad. But I figured you could use a little culture today.

See what I did there? It was a really subtle dairy joke (what with the culture), AND a really subtle callback to me not being presumptuous by presuming your cultural knowledge! Fuck. I should write for Steven Wright or something.

I would hate to be a Steelers fan

I would hate, hate, hate to be a Steelers fan. I'm watching them play Jax right now in the playoffs, and they've just come within five, and had the two-point conversion called back due to holding on the center. But they're bringing it close again. But even if they win, it has to be somewhat hollow. Steelers fans, sadly, live and die by Big Ben Roethlisberger. Who, this game alone, thus far (10:25 left in the 4th), is 27-38 with 325 yards and two TDs. Pretty fucking good. And three interceptions. Oh. And five sacks. Thus the reason the Steelers are down five points.

Big Ben can throw the ball a mile and a half, like a bullet. He can also toss the ball the nearest guy in the other uniform just as easily. Or get the ball tipped to no one in particular. And he's REAL good at losing way too many yards on sacks. He's amazingly talented and has amazingly little football sense. So even though the Steelers won the Super Bowl a few years back, I can guarantee at no point did the fans feel safe, like Ben had it covered. Even Colts fans in all those years before making it to the bowl had to feel like they had a better shot. Fuck, even Chargers fans last year with Rivers and Schottenheimer must have felt safer. Cubs fans feel more confident.

Let's hope he fucks up a few more times. I've got 20-1 the Jags win the Super Bowl.

UPDATE: Big Ben was sacked and fumbled at the end of the 4th quarter to lose the game. Check and mate.

OMG!!! 2008!!! It's, like, a new year and shit!!!

Is it obvious I don't care? All it means is I'm going to have to update a lot of stuff at work when people forget it's 2008 for about the first two months. BUT, because people do this, my music for 2007:

Albums (no order)
LCD Soundsystem (Sounds of Silver) –– Holy balls "Someone Great" is amazing. Oh, and the rest of it, too.
Battles (Mirrored) – Sexyness in really tall cymbol form.
Iron and Wine (The Shepherd's Dog) - Sam Beam goes full-band and it doesn't sound totally lame.
Future of the Left (Curses) – Though not out stateside yet, 2/3 of McLusky rock your face.
Les Savy Fav (Let's Stay Friends) – The coolest thing about this album is how understated it is.
Spoon (Ga x5) – Either "Finer Feelings" or the LCD Soundsystem song gets my vote for year's best.
Tom Waits (Orphans) – Technically, 2006. But three new discs from Waits is so sexy.
CYHSY (Some Loud Thunder) – Except for "Satan Said Dance", I think this lives up to the hype of the sophomore album
Daft Punk* (Alive 2007) - *Don't have the album, but saw it. Goddamn it was good.

Albums I listened to most this year
Wolf Parade – Apologies to the Queen Mary
Hold Steady – Boys and Girls in America
Thermals – The Blood, The Body, The Machine
Peter Bjorn John – Writer's Block. Fuck you. It's catchy.
Girl Talk – Night Ripper
Decemberists – The Crane Wife
Kinks – Village Green Preservation Society
Beach Boys – Pet Sounds
Daniel Johnston –– Welcome to my World
Atom and his Package – Redefining Music
Wilco – Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
Fugazi – The Argument
Jets to Brazil– – Orange Rhyming Dictionary
Man Man– – Six Demon Bag
The Streets – A Grand Doesn't Come for Free

Haven't Heard so Can't Be On The List
Dinosaur Jr.
Panda Bear
Okkervil River
Jay-Z

So there's that. I actually failed to see most every movie that came out in 2007, so not so much one of those lists. Turns out it takes a lot of effort to get off your ass, pay ten bucks, and sit in a theater. So I didn't. Enjoy the new year. Or something.